I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The beer is more important than you right now.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
