How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
