he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
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I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
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Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
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