don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.