Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
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no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
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And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf