Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
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Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
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They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.