the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.