I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
