Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
