dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
