My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
