im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
