I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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