I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
