just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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