Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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