it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
