i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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