I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
