I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
