allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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