I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
