I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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