I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
