I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
