What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
