i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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