I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
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she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
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I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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