Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
