first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
