remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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