I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
