Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
