the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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