Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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