Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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