I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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