Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
