I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
