you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
