Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
