I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
