i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
