Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
