??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
