You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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