I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
