I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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