She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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