Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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