Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
