Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
sarcasm needs its own font
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Randomize
