in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
