I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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