anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
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