At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
