Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
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Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
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also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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