Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
