I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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