i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
