After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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