If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
